What NOT to web, part deux
Editor's note: We tried to spare you from more ranting and raving. Really we did. But Hillary tied herself to the mainframe and threatened to start singing “Kumbaya” if we didn't let her finish what she started last issue. Have you ever heard her sing? Trust us – you’d cave, too.
Yeesh. My co-workers are good people, but they just will not learn the power of righteous indignation. Once it’s started, the groove will not be stopped.
So, here they are – more website design issues guaranteed to make you want to slap a fool.
5. Slow-loading pages: Marvis Contemporary Toothpaste
By the time this site has loaded, you could’ve gone to the dentist, gotten a cleaning, and come back already. Although the slowness here is caused by the fact that it’s a Flash site (oy, don’t get me started!), this malady can also be caused by use of overly large graphic or video files, or too many animated objects on a single page. Which reminds me —
6. Motion overload: Water Services Ltd.
You’ve seen them – the headache-makers where rotating banners duke it out with animated .gifs and/or flashing text and stardust-trailing cursors. They’re usually accompanied by cheesy MIDI tunes playing in the background, or sound effect-laden navigation. Just drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life. I don't think I can stand much more.
7. Autoplay ANYTHING (sound, music, video): Ciroc Vodka
Guilty of DWD (Design While Drunk). You’ve already encountered one barrier between you and the information you want with the legally mandated birthdate step. Then you’re assaulted by a commercial as soon as you’ve cleared the first hurdle. And to really rub salt into the wound, the truly useful navigation buttons are at the bottom of the page. Brother. By the time you get into the meat of the site, you need that drink.
8. No easy method of contact: The Coca-Cola Company
This is just rude. You might be a busy, multi-national conglomerate, but the reason you are one is that “We the People” put you there. The least you can do is give us an avenue to ask you when you’re bringing back ‘80s-style New Coke.
There are countless more infractions. Just take a look around “teh interwebs” and you’ll see them in all their nausea-inducing, tooth-grinding glory. To help stop the madness, I suggest we make a pact. Right here, right now. Raise your right hand and repeat after me, “I pledge to make the internet a cleaner, more beautiful place by not junking up my website – or anyone else’s – with megabyte upon megabyte of useless crap. If, at any time, I should break my vow, I will let that surly woman from WordwrightWeb come over and smack me upside the head. Pinky swear!”
I realize I’m likely preaching to the choir here. Our little promise might not go a long way towards cleaning up the World Wide Web, but it’s a start. And a girl can dream, can't she?